The moments that shaped us, the needs they revealed, and how we move past them.
Have you ever felt a sense of not quite belonging, of feeling like an outsider all the time? If so, I hope sharing my own experiences and reflections provide some insights that could illuminate your self-discovery journey. Rather than self-help tips, my aim is to share an honest dialogue about the moments that impacted me, the needs they revealed, and how we can all find the power to write our own life stories. I don't have all the answers, and that is okay. We learn and we grow.
For a long time, I thought the reason I always felt like an outsider is because I’ve been moving from one city to another, from one country to another, ever since I was 21, and only felt that I settled down recently, until I realized this is the theme of my life.
When I look back, a memory when I was at about K5 strikes me. Back then we didn’t have Spotify or Netflix, so when a song got popular, we had to handwrite the lyrics and try to memorize the rhythm. There were recording machines but as children we weren’t allowed to use them. During a free play time, my classmates were learning a new song from a TV show. Many prepared handwritten lyrics and tried to remember the rhythm. they were humming softly, teaching each other. If one person couldn't remember a tune, another would pick it up. I recognized the song, but since I was not allowed to watch TV, I couldn’t sing a single line. I felt so awkward to see that they were so prepared and invested. I felt being left alone.
Once I started to dig into my memories, I was surprised that I could write more than a thousand words nonstop, filled with similar moments. And behind each moment, it was not just about that one moment. Like the one above, it wasn’t about just one song, it was about all the songs and all the events I missed. I was also surprised that my feeling of being an outsider was not something recent, it has always been there since I was little.
What Now?
I didn’t know what to do with this. I asked myself: what now? I felt I needed to do something to “fix it”. I felt I needed to learn more social skills, then I would need to force myself to practice, and my new habit would grow and I would be more comfortable around people.
I felt really good when I came up with that plan, because, see? I have solutions! I have solved another problem! I have action steps, isn’t it amazing?
But wait.
The Journey Within
I got a question: how do you use it in a way that is beneficial?
How can these uncomfortable memories be beneficial? I don’t know. I could write about it. I could publish my story. I think it helps others if they feel they are alone. I can connect with others.
Why is connecting with people important? Because I don't want to feel lonely. Because I want to gain trust when I connect with people.
What does trust mean to me? First two words that come to my mind are love and freedom. Together they mean that we can skip superficial discussions, go deep, and be honest with each other. We can touch the fear together and we know that we do this out of love, and that frees us. And I know I’m doing things that I really want to do, without needing to justify my actions. I know that they know that I'm doing the right thing.
I am very surprised that it comes back to needing connections and not feeling lonely. because I always felt I don't need many connections with people, but I guess I do.
My mind also goes to all the people I have met before, all the people I have known. I blamed myself when I didn't follow up with them, even with the people I liked. Before today, I felt the main reason was I didn't want to be judged and I was an introvert, but now with this new insight, I think I didn't follow up because I am questioning: Am I an outsider to their group (whatever that group is)? Do I fit in?
Look Back to Move Forward
Let’s get into the uncomfortable topic of emotions. What were my emotions if I travel back and I look at that moment, what do I feel?
I felt shame because I didn't know anything they were talking about. Not knowing the answer was not allowed by my parents and teachers. If I didn’t know, I would be punished. I felt anger because I was not permitted to watch the TV show, so I should not be responsible for not knowing the song! Not my fault! I also felt I was not useful because I couldn't add anything while they were all helping each other to piece together their favorite song.
Once again, I recognize that those emotions are the themes that come to me over and over again. I'm not useful. I cannot add value. I don't fit in because I cannot add value, and I feel shame about it.
It is OK to feel emotional and vulnerable. It is also important to recognize that we are living in NOW. Is the story still true today?
Well, I answered, no, it's not true anymore. Because I do know when I talk to people, I can add value. I help others, I challenge others, I provide insights, and I propose solutions. My childhood story is not true anymore. So if I were to go back, to become the little girl again, I would say: Can you teach me? Yes, I can say that now. I can admit that I don’t know the answer. I can ask for help.
Yes, I have the power to write my future stories. It’s not just about not being an outsider. It’s about connecting, understanding, and sharing. It’s about creating our stories together.
Final Thoughts
Throughout my career, and now as I launch my business, I've bumped into this advice over and over again: find your own story because that's where your superpower lies. It is the key to showing the real you, connecting with others, and crafting your authentic message. For the longest time, I wondered, “My story? What is my story?” Beside the labels such as PhD and tech, I kept asking myself, 'What's so special about ME?'
Now I am beginning to see the light. Maybe it’s about the little moments like this. I’m starting to feel a bit of excitement. I’m still figuring it out, but I’m on my way!
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